Although the ubiquitous traveller Carstairs, created by J B Morton, travells no more there are some additional notes on Carstairs' more recent exploits.

La Rochelle April 2008

1. N'Joola

Whenever accused of procrastinating in Africa, Carstairs was wont to remark, "N'Joola was not built in a day!"

Editor's note

In fact it has been established by an expedition financed by the National Geographic magazine that N'Joola, which consists of seven mud huts and a corrugated-iron out-door lavatory, was built in six and a half hours. Was this essential information withheld from Carstairs?

2. In Filthistan

The landscape of Filthistan, consisting as it does of arid desert intermixed with almost arid desert, is still criss-crossed by primeval paths sometimes frequented by equally primeval tribesmen. Carstairs, within spitting distance of the capital Stin-key, encountered his old tennis partner Ibn-Ben Smythe (Josh to his friends) possibly the last of the primeval tribesmen to be educated at Eton and Cambridge. A happy hour was spent in the shade of the Pi-pi tree recalling those days in far-off N'Joola and the girls at Ginginiluvu.

3. In the Outback

Carstairs crossed the Great Australian Outback many years ago with his faithful companion Gibbereegee an authentic representative of the exploited native Australians, known to his intimates as “My mate the Abo”. Incidentally acquiring a taste for Swan’s, and having led a hectic life as the Bandmaster to Ayers Rock, Gibbereegee was content to settle for carrying the six packs in his tucker bag. Disdaining to use a compass, the pair invariably arrived late calling for ice to the accompaniment of derisive cheers.

4. The Great South Sea

Disembarking at Rongorongo for lunch Carstairs was met on the beach by Tutiti in her grass ethnic skirt. Struck by the overwhelming romance of it all he decided to beach his pirogue for ever, hoist the flag, and live on her sweet potatoes. Many were the nights when Carstairs and Tutiti would watch a moon rising or setting chatting quietly about where to build the pier if the need arose. Manoman, Tutiti’s ancient father, would sometimes join them, blowing mournful notes on his conch. Wontiti, Tutiti’s stepmother, usually didn’t.

5. The Land of the Rising Sun

Sensing a need to impress the sons of Nippon with British Hardihood, Carstairs ascended a highish building in Haigotcha and announced to the assembled crowd “To Fujiyama in a pyjama” waiving the striped article for all to see. Donning the chosen apparel he then proceeded, accompanied only by Almond Blossom his gymnastic Geisha, to assault the placid peak. Recalling, when halfway up, that they had left without lunch, the gallant pair descended and consumed a bowl of soup with a chrysanthemum in it. Onlookers were astounded when Carstairs ate his soup with his personal chop sticks. (The left one having been pierced from end to end allowed him to use it discretely as a straw). This was, of course, before the days of television. Almond Blossom is reported to have remained inscrutable throughout the proceedings.

6. Dhown the Nile

Carstairs much preferred to sail dhown the Nile in his dhow to keep the sun out of his eyes.

7. Back to base

Carstairs occasionally felt the need to swing by London “For a change of lion cloth and a jig with the ladies” as he put it. Arriving at Southampton he invariably disembarked into the arms of Lady Fey of Fotherbottom who never failed to twitter “Oh Carsty, you do smell of elephant, how lovely. Let's go somewhere quiet where I can brush the dust of Empire off you” Formalities thus dispensed with, the couple were wont to retire to the Sea View Hotel near Fotherbottom for the customary cocktails and high jinks. The whereabouts of Lord Fotherbottom, although a mystery, seemed to interest no one.

8. The field of flowers

Carstairs’ frequent trips to Xochimilco have recently become the subject of much speculation in the gutter press. The apparent lack of love interest has fuelled speculation that the renowned traveller was about to cross “zum anderen Ufer” as Goethe would have put it. Fortunately, several otherwise demure descendants of the Aztecs have come forward to give the lie to such scurrilities. Modestina from Oaxaca, a particularly robust representative of the ancient race with chins like a step pyramid, confessed on television to lying panting on the patio after a rendezvous with our subject of interest while he drifted away in pursuit of a pink gin.